Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know
Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married
Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to
keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood
and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his
new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions:� Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion:� Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencers Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning:� May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning:� contains nuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions:� Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3:� Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company.� I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere???)
On a packet of sultanas:
"Serving suggestions: toss over cereal"
(What an appetising thought)
POEMS
SAM
There once was a geezer called Sam
Who thought a giraffe was a cam...
el
We say the stoopidest things...
"I cleaned my ring last night" - Babs
"The cat started it" - Sam
This is a copyright notice (who are we trying to kid). Thankyou to Anthony for use of his computer, Paul for use of his Jack Schitt thing and Ash for the 'consumer product' thing.
